Purple Haze
Astounding Times
By Amy Kimmel

March 31, 2016

BREAKING NEWS: This year's Prom has been canceled due to lack of fundraising and student interest. Ticket prices have already been going up to compensate for the decrease in fundraising, but there's no way to make up for it this year.  According to senior Sapri L. Foo, kids would rather stay home and watch T.V. than have to dress nice and embarrass themselves dancing. It wasn't until the venue burned to the ground that the decision was made official.

Fifty northern seniors will not be graduating this year; the most in NHS history. One student,  Al P. Rill, says that senioritis has overcome him and "I've made it this far; who needs a diploma anyway?" Other students say their ambition is to lie on the couch and eat chips which they don't have to go to school to learn how to do. In an effort to encourage said dropouts to stay, the school year will be shortened to end in the beginning of May rather than June. Teacher  Sal Froop says if the students quit, he will too. Hopefully these seniors will find some motivation before it's too late.

Students have started a petition to make Rilf Ools the new principal at the high school. I especially am in support because he plans to create a buffer zone from 7:40 to 7:45 a.m. so that if you arrive to school a few minutes late, it will not be held against you. Ools says "Tardys create unnecessary stress for students and parents that can easily be eliminated by the new 'buffer zone.'" I couldn't have said it better myself. Ools also has plans to bring a gourmet chef into the cafeteria. Ools best friend, Pri Solf, recent winner of "Top Chef," is  excited to bring a level of dining never before experienced at NHS; "The food will go from 'eh' to ehmazing!" The chef plans to use food grown in the NHS courtyard and from local farms while having help from NHS culinary students in creating his dishes. Such a great idea - I can't believe I hadn't thought of it!

Last week social studies teachers Mr. Anderson and Mr. Mowery dressed up like women for a day. Why? They earned the honor after a Four Diamonds fundraising event during lunches at which people could place money in cans labeled with teachers' names and what they would dress up as if they raised the most money. After the finals were totaled, Anderson's and Mowery's can contained the most money, meaning they would have to trade their slacks for skirts. Wigs, dresses, makeup, and balloons were involved in their fashion garb, which they wore for an entire day following a live interview on NHS's morning news show.

Remember to look out for tricksters this week. By the way if you've made it this far; one of these stories really is true. Can you figure it out?