A Lighter View
The tax man cometh
By K.E.H. Stagg

April 9, 2009

Making the statement “Taxes are not much fun” is sort of like saying “Torture is painful”; the statement barely does justice to the subject, while omitting many details that those with experience can fill in all too easily.

It’s not even so much that I mind paying taxes. Don’t get me wrong! The fact that my tax rate is promised to increase in order to cover the cost of services being extended to people who don’t pay taxes makes my head spin around and catch on fire. But the mere fact that taxes are required doesn’t bother me.

No, my tax dilemma centers around figuring out what my cotton-pickin’ taxes are based on. Each spring, I’m surrounded by schedules of every possible letter combination, 1040-EZ and 1040 standard, worksheets, charity receipts, paycheck stubs, pharmacy receipts, pencils and ibuprofen. I get out my calculator and start punching in numbers. A couple of days later when I’ve gone through the entire bottle of ibuprofen, ripped my hair from my scalp and signed myself up to get tattoos lasered onto my eyeballs rather than keep messing with taxes, I wonder why government is so all-fired necessary anyhow.

I know, I know--anarchy, revolution, invasion and nuclear holocaust are only a few of the more obvious reasons we all think democracy is a good idea. But every March and April, I start to wonder why we didn’t go in for something easier. Like individual autonomy, or self-appointed, lifetime dictatorships.

I could probably negotiate an agreement for myself with the Middle East at least as well as anyone has done thus far, with the added bonus of understanding the language. I’d be stuck negotiating favorable trades, but my imports and exports would always ensure a balanced budget! As for health care coverage and cost containment, I’m not fond of the dentist so what I would save by just letting my teeth rot out of my head will be enhanced by not dressing stylishly in accord with my new non-dental status. I’m forseeing a hefty savings that would offset increased expenditures for things such as hip transplants and cataract removals.

If individual autonomy is too drastic a measure, what about flat percentages? Even I can figure out 20 percent of the total listed on my W-2 without calculating exceptions, exemptions, net profit and loss, itemized deductions and all the rest.

Anyone can find a million reasons why my utopian solution won’t work; but then, how many million reasons can all of us cite for the current tax system’s inadequacies? Don’t be too quick to dismiss individual autonomy—I just may be onto something!